


A Confessional

by heartsewnsleeve



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-09
Updated: 2013-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-04 18:12:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsewnsleeve/pseuds/heartsewnsleeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Spike, I can't escape it.  At night before bed, I just lay there and feel like I don't belong here. Not anywhere. It'd be so easy just to let my stake slip, just for one minute. One minute of brief pain. A little blood. Then all of this would end forever."</p><p>Buffy need someone to understand. She needs to get away from all the "black" somehow or anyhow. And there's only one person who will. This takes place in the middle of Season 6.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Confessional

I walked inside his crypt. He was resting on his couch. I didn't know why I always came _here_ for _him_. But, I knew why. He was the only one who didn't need me to be a hero. I could be Buffy, _the girl who felt like she was living in Hell everyday_ , with Spike and he never judged me. He jumped up as he saw me, and smirked.

"Came for a little tango, Slayer?" He walked in front of me and grasped my waist with his hands. "I had a feeling you'd be here tonight."

"I didn't come for that, Spike." I muttered and pulled his hands off me. He stared with a look of pain and moved back as if I slapped him.

"Well, then?" He looked at me with a sneering face. I could just leave... but  _no_. I didn't. I wanted to stay. Actually, I needed to  _stay_.  
  
"I want to die." His eyes lost their snarky expression. "I thought it was gone. I thought the darkness was gone, but it's not. I can't _stop_ it. Everyone I see, everywhere I look, everything I touch, makes me want to die." The tears started falling. He didn't look sneering, aroused or cocky which was a recurring theme in our twisted relationship. If it was  _even_  a relationship. He looked torn inside.

I never truly cried before. I wept over Angel, I wept when my mom died, I wept when I thought I failed Dawn, but this was something  _new_. I wasn't crying because I did something wrong or something tragic happened. I was crying because I was _wrong_. The months of feeling like I was a corpse were being let out by each tear. I had kept this secret buried underneath my chest, but it was coming apart by each sob.   
  
His arms wrapped my shoulders and he cradled me. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and began to sob into his chest. Slowly, his hands began petting my hair in a genteel motion. I stopped momentairly to pull back and look at him.   
  
His lips were set in a frown and his eyes were shining with care. That wordless action soothed me a little bit. I wasn't sure why, but it did.  
  
"Buffy, you listen to me, it's not how wrong how you're feelin'. You don't want to die. I see how you look at Dawnie, or even those... _Scoobies_. You love em'. When you love nothing is when you want to die. It's when you die inside." His eyes casted down as his arm rubbed my back in circular motions. I wrapped my arms tighter around him.   
  
He never mentioned himself. He never said I loved him. I didn't. I felt disgust at myself for thinking so bluntly and using him. The way we used each other. It was so wrong... _just like me_. Where did I take this wrong turn? I shook the thought away from my head.  
  
"It'll get _better_." He muttered. I wanted to laugh at him.  _It'll get better_. I've waiting so long for it to get better that I had given up on happiness altogether. "Eventually, it'll go away."  
  
"Spike, I can't escape it.  At night before bed, I just lay there and feel like I don't belong here. Not  _anywhere_. It'd be so easy just to let my stake slip, just for one minute. One minute of brief pain. A little blood. Then all of this would end forever. I would be _free_."  
  
He jerked away from me for a moment, but then resumed his position. I latched my fingers between his. He was startled once again by this intimate action, but didn't stop it. I inhaled his scent as my fingers squeezed his. He was the first person to not run away. He was the only person that stayed by me. Even when I was dead. _Physically or emotionally._  
  
Spike stayed quiet for a few minutes. I stood still while his one arm rubbed comforting circles in my back and the other was intertwined with my fingers. It was the most intimate we'd ever been. No sex, no violence, or innuendoes. Just pure honesty and innocent touches. A part of my heart flickered. The idea of somebody loving me even with knowing how messed up I was. The idea of someone just seeing me without my facade. It'd be  _nice_. I shook the thought away immediately.  
  
"If you're going to let yourself die than I'm right on with you." I moved away from him. I felt startled inside.  
  
"What do you mean?" I casted an incredulous look at him. His eyes were looking directly into mine.  
  
"If you're going to die, than damn bloody well, I'm going to die right beside you. I say we both kill one another. Make it a fair fight and whatnot, Luv'."  
  
"You can't die." I spurted out immediately.  
"Why?"  
"Cause..." My words fell flat for a minute. He moved his face closer to mine. I could see the curiosity in his eyes and an emotion that I couldn't pinpoint exactly..

 _"I care about you."_  
  
I didn't know why it upset me so much inside but it did. It startled me in a way that I didn't understand. My confession scared me too. I was so afraid of feeling something. I didn't know exactly what our relationship was, or if it was even normal again to be considered a relationship, but it mattered to me.  _He_  mattered to me.  
  
We both stared at one another for a moment before Spike started speaking again. We both knew what that confession meant. What it symbolized for me, him, us and the future. But we ignored it. We didn't dote on it. We understood one another and so we let the confessional go for the time being.   
  
"Don't you think Dawnie, Xander, Will and Giles feel that way? Hell, even Anya and Tara. You're a fighter, one of the best I've ever met, and you can't just throw your life away because it's not daisies and sunflowers anymore. Life ain't always golden sunshine but it isn't always hell," I pulled away from him, but he grabbed my wrists to hold me in place. "You listen to me, you mean the world to some people. A world without you is my version of hell."  
  
I started crying again. I know why he was saying it like that. He was scared. One time, during a night we spent together, he whispered to me that he'd take burning on fire over and over than ever have to live in a world where I don't exist. I sighed in defeat and sat down on his couch. He stood in front of me shifting on his heels uncomfortably. I reached out my arm for him, and within seconds, he was at my side. I leaned onto him. Once again, his arms cradled me.

"I know you're right. It's just so hard sometimes," I thought back to earlier. Dawn, Will and Tara were all playing charades. I was trying so hard to laugh with them, but inside, I felt like I  _was_  the charade. Putting on this fake smile to pretend that everything was okay when inside I felt so alone and empty. They were still happily playing when I left to " _patrol_ ". "I don't know why I feel this way. I feel like I'm broken."

"You're not broken. You just need to mend a few pieces of yourself before you're okay again." I choked a sob and laid my head against his shoulder. He pulled my face to face his. "You listen to me, Buffy Summers, there's nothing but good in you. Look at what the bloody damn you've done to me. You're never going to die as along as I am alive."

"How can you stand to listen to this?" I asked before I realized it had slipped out.

"Because I _love_ you." Instead of attempting to seduce me or make a witty joke, he simply titled his head and placed a kiss on my forehead. He'd  _never_  done that before.  _It was nice_. He placed another kiss on my forehead then he pulled my body close to his with his arm. We sat that way for a few minutes. He went to speak, but I placed my fingers over his lips.

"I don't want to speak anymore tonight," I kept my eyes down. "I don't want sex either. I just want you to let me cry on you and for you to hold me... can we do that?"

"Anything for you, love." he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me protectively.


End file.
